Monthly Archives: June 2013

Enough.

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“If you want to learn to love yourself, start by practicing on others.”

This is a very good thing.

This is a very good thing.

Last weekend I got to witness a different sort of adventure. Two close friends, embarking on the adventure of partnership. Their example seems particularly poignant in light of my own recent failures in romance. Ky and Amanda, you have my utmost respect and support for your adventure together. Your practice of love towards each other, and others, has earned at least that much. I hope this is the beginning of the greatest adventure of them all. For whatever may come, I’m here to say that your love for each other is enough- and that is an incredibly beautiful thing.

Thanks for the dance!

Thanks for the dance!

The wedding weekend was a good one. It felt good to play the cello as Amanda walked down the aisle. It felt good to dance with a bridesmaid and smile at the stunning sunset over the Bitterroot. It felt good to climb outside for the first time since foot surgery (thanks Brian!), and swing my kettlebell to the end of my grip.

Perfect sunset, before a perfect moon.

Perfect sunset, before a perfect moon.

Just a week ago, life was good. This weekend, I’m not so optimistic. Work has been intense, I’m feeling sick, and I’ve felt depressed since Monday. I don’t get it.  This body of mine just doesn’t want to cooperate with summer adventures. My foot is starting to feel good again, but my throat is swollen shut, and I’ve had a headache for 3 days. Questions around simplicity and consistency come up.  Why does my mood swing? Why does my optimism wane? I’m still not going on the adventures I’d like, and that makes me sad.  At the root of it all, my value system is broken because I believe that what I do determines my worth as a person. Whether or not I’m a good person, or this is good blog post depends on whether I had a sweet climbing adventure versus spending a perfectly good Saturday on my couch (or in my office). It’s not supposed to be this way, but changing that is up to me.

I’m pet sitting for some friends this weekend, and they have a beautiful habit of leaving notes for each other on their mirror. When I got home this morning, I took their queue.

See yourself for who you are, not who you aren't.

See yourself for who you are, not who you aren’t.

I am fit enough.
I am smart enough.
I am talented enough.
I am handsome enough.
This is enough.
I am enough.

Let’s set a better tone for this week.

Change

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I was supposed to head down to Utah again last night, but after a difficult telephone conversation it became clear that the motivation for going had changed, and I was not to go again. Sometimes people are different, and realizing that can be a sudden and unpleasant surprise. The morning after change is often when it is the hardest to swallow.

This post may be premature, but in my commitment to leading an examined life in this space, it would incongruous not to discuss the difficult bits.  Some lessons:

  • Choose your words carefully- they can pack far more meaning than intended.
  • Never skip an opportunity to express gratitude.
  • Question your criticisms- they are less useful, less witty, and less wise than they may originally appear.
  • The power of compassion, and silliness, should not be underestimated.

Per the second item, I am grateful that the pain illuminates some dark, unnoticed corners of my personality. I am profoundly grateful to have been exposed to her joy, her wisdom, her compassion, and her energy, even for a short time. This time around, it is clear that this outcome was a product of my own word and actions, and I’m hurting for it. I have a lot of work to do on my manhood, and I look forward to it being a theme for the summer.

Easy Thankfulness.

Thank you, desert lady.

Thank you, desert lady.