I was supposed to head down to Utah again last night, but after a difficult telephone conversation it became clear that the motivation for going had changed, and I was not to go again. Sometimes people are different, and realizing that can be a sudden and unpleasant surprise. The morning after change is often when it is the hardest to swallow.
This post may be premature, but in my commitment to leading an examined life in this space, it would incongruous not to discuss the difficult bits. Some lessons:
- Choose your words carefully- they can pack far more meaning than intended.
- Never skip an opportunity to express gratitude.
- Question your criticisms- they are less useful, less witty, and less wise than they may originally appear.
- The power of compassion, and silliness, should not be underestimated.
Per the second item, I am grateful that the pain illuminates some dark, unnoticed corners of my personality. I am profoundly grateful to have been exposed to her joy, her wisdom, her compassion, and her energy, even for a short time. This time around, it is clear that this outcome was a product of my own word and actions, and I’m hurting for it. I have a lot of work to do on my manhood, and I look forward to it being a theme for the summer.