Category Archives: Philosophy

Want What You Have

I believe in sucking the marrow out of the bones of life. I believe dreams are meant to be chased with reckless abandon, and that one of the few true sins is settling for less than what we want. Lately though, I’ve been thinking about a quote from my mirror last summer:

“Before you can have more, accept what you have.”

I was doing a lot of introspection, and am again now. Acceptance can be difficult for me because it feels passive. Lately the quote has become more about wanting what I have. I have some amazing things, even if they are not what I expected.

Marshall Mountain, safe skiing, dawn patrol.

Safe conditions were… fleeting. Taking the slow way to the office a few weeks ago.

We don’t have awesome skiing weather right now. Professionally, I’m taking hard knocks and waiting to see the labor pay off. A small romantic failure and a left foot that seems not to heal furrow my brow a little deeper. I could go on, but I won’t.

Ticking the list. Skiing over “the M” at sunset.

I’m prone to feeling unsatisfied with my life. The problem is common to people that like to maximize their day. For some reason it’s become socially acceptable to overlook the amazing bits of each day.

freestone climbing missoula, rock climbing training, roscoe outdoors

Quiet nights honing the craft.

While I haven’t been outside so much, life is rich. Thanks to Paul, Mel, Tess, and Simon for being awesome training partners. For the New Leaders Council connecting me with my community in ever broader ways. For a landscape that offers unceasing beauty, for passionate friends, and authentic co-workers. For good food, meaningful work, and soulful music.

Untied Way, Susan Hay Patrick, New Leaders Council-Montana

The one and only Susan Hay Patrick with the 2014 New Leaders Council fellows.

For good friends that like to cook.

Thanksgiving dinner on the first day of spring weather.

I haven’t set many goals for the coming year. I’m wary of asking for too much more. I’ve got a lot of work to do on simply really wanting the amazing life I’ve already got.

“Love it, ’cause this is what we’re doing, so love it.” (Ryan Van Luit)

Stories

Mine

1 Reply

After nearly two weeks of amazing sunshine in January, the weather gods dumped 18 beautiful inches of powder on western Montana this week. Somehow, it even managed to come in wet and heavy, and end dry and light (the preferred configuration to avoid avalanches). After a challenging week of work, I was eager to shred hard.

We go up….

Saturday was busy at the G-Spot off Lolo Pass. We were one of the first in, and the last out. Despite our big group, we made 5 laps under bluebird skies. The powder was every bit as good as hoped. Maybe even better. It was the first time I should have legitimately considered a snorkel as part of my kit. Anna, Molly, Larry, and Paul- thank you, ’cause that was a damn good time.

Larry gets the hang of his new Legend XXLs… note the powder contrail.

I know I’ve got the right friends when Super Bowl Sunday makes us all think that the ski resort will probably be empty. The snow report pushed us to Lost Trail (4/4 on excellent days there this year), and after Simon missed out on Saturday, he was determined to get it all. With 7 people, our mixed abilities spread us across the mountain. Simon, Trevien and I enjoyed some of the best steep powder I’ve ever had the privilege of skiing. These men make me ski better, and I’m thankful for it. We all re-grouped after lunch for a full afternoon of playing in the trees and coasting packed powder groomers. All smiles, all day.

Despite the great ski turns, I was still turning work stuff over in my head. I don’t like taking work home with me, and don’t like some of what’s looming on my professional horizon (while some other things are very exciting). Interestingly enough, the things that have nothing to do with work have been the most calming. It’s fun to realize that my skiing as important to me as anything else that I do- not because I bask in the glory of being a great skier, but simply because it fills me with pure, authentic joy. Dreading my week, I look back on the things that have stood out over the years. The places I’ve been and people I’ve shared them with seem far stronger than the immediate concerns about sales numbers or workflow planning.

Skiing.

Working with Dustin at the Commons.

The Muldrow Glacier.

Castleton Tower.

Running on the Chicago lakefront.

Playing great music.

I don’t mean to slam work, but when things aren’t going well I usually end up feeling like the world is going to end. It won’t. These experiences remind me why my life outside of work is just as important as my life at my desk. They are mine, and reflect a life that I am proud of. They remind me how capable I am. Of how rich my life is. I’m not sure why that’s so hard for me to keep in perspective, but it’s a perspective I’m determined to keep fighting for.

Saturday’s perspective was bright.

Priority

Protected: The Willow

Enter your password to view comments.

Abundance

1 Reply

I wrote my first mission statement shortly after moving to Portland, Oregon in 2007. It was a queue from reading “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”- a university graduation gift. Drowning in romantic chaos, I needed a simple statement to recenter myself. Being an engineer and feeling adrift, my “simple” statement covered 1.5 pages. While it stuck with me for a while, I missed the point of what the exercise was about.

I spent this weekend in southern Idaho with the ManKind Project making up for a seminar that was cancelled due to wildfires in August. Called a “New Warrior Training Adventure” it was a unique opportunity for personal growth. I could write a lot about what we did, but I’d rather demonstrate what I learned in the way I live my life.

Among other things, we wrote a mission statement for ourselves. I had updated my original a number of times over the years, but this time it felt like I finally wrote something that really fits the bill:

“I create a world of abundance through authentic self expression.” (Skander Spies)

Abundance shows up many ways in my beliefs, and it is good descriptor for how much I got out of the seminar. Self help seminars have a stigma- I’m proud to say it was a cool experience that delivered as promised. Growing as a man in my community is as much of an adventure as anything, and I was proud to take the time this weekend to take the next step.

Respect the journey you were brave enough to put yourself on.

Twenty Nine

2 Replies

The next step. (Photo by Brett Kvo)

(ed. note: number counts are updated as of 11/2/13)

The last day of my 29th year was a tiring one. Looking back The goals I set when I returned from Australia have mostly eluded me. Every year will have highs and lows. Things will always be crazy and they will not go according to plan. If your goals elude you, that is a good sign they are worthy enough. The perspective of the first few days of my 30th year reminds me that it has in fact (of course), been another excellent year. Time with my Australian family, an amazing trip in the Wind River, and an increased objection to the notion of what “should be” have been a few among many highlights.

Homestyle birthday breakfast- thanks Paul.

My roommate Tess and I share our birthday on October 12, and we shared simple motivations for a joint celebration- climb with friends then eat great food. Without any additional effort, the gifts of the day were very much greater.

The only thing brighter than the fall colors were the people.

About 10 people showed up Saturday morning to celebrate by climbing. By 7pm, our group had become a 30 person potluck extravaganza in the best way. The night ended at an awesome performance at the Top Hat, with a few more folks that didn’t make the potluck.

Bellingham based Polecat tore the roof off an already great party.

The existential questions have always seemed to sit with me too easily – “am I working the right job?”/”hanging with the right people”/”spending my time wisely?” Being goal oriented has been part of my M.O. for as long as I can remember. I’m starting the 30th year though in a different direction. My penchant for responsibility and thrift moves me towards more experiences and fewer things. While cleaning up on Sunday, Tess’ friend Greg shared a more succinct view of aging:

“In our generation, success is more about what you have experienced than what you have bought.”

This may seem ironic given that my birthday present to myself was taking some cash out of the bank for new skis. The house I was hoping to buy next spring doesn’t really fit my goal of owning fewer things anyways. New skis and new friends bring the promise of new experience and new quality. The question of the 30th year is not “how do I do more”- it is one of “how do I do less, better.”

Thanks mom, for reminding me to take time, let my belly out, and have fun. (Bernice’s Cupcakes!)

Lander, WY

Passings

2 Replies

For John Wellington, midnight at 14,200′ on Denali.

Three times this summer I’ve been asked to support friends dealing with the death of a loved one. Two were last week. All three were accidents. All were relatively young. I had only met one of the deceased, but the passing of their lives touches lives close to mine. As we are all connected, their passing slows my pace. None of the people enjoyed a peaceful passing. Their deaths were ugly and impossible.

When I die, my body will return to dust, and I am at peace that the memory of my spirit may not matter to anyone. Life is stark and unforgiving in it’s brevity. None of this is comforting. I won’t wax poetic about dying in the mountains, or doing what you loved. 1) it’s not applicable, and 2) that isn’t how I (or anyone I know) aspire to go.

The primary fault in my value system is my belief that my worth comes from my ability to DO something. Anything. Yet death is a certainty- it is the thing that even the best of us are equally powerless against. In death, there is nothing to be done. The first sensation of comfort comes from embracing the powerlessness. I can’t pretend to understand death, nor can I pretend to mend the broken hearts around me. I am just starting to understand living. I aspire to understand loving. Somehow, these are the only responses that seem appropriate in support of my friends.

Death begs us the question of living.
It begs us to dream. To hope. To love. Greater and more fully each time. Though the great injustice of each life unnecessarily snatched away from us compels me to burn my light even more brightly in this life- more than anything else, it compels me to simply be more present with each of my friends.

“And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.” (K. Gibran)

“I didn’t come here for a long time, I came here for a good time.” (Jeff Shapiro)

Fullness

3 Replies

This post is big, but that reflects the fullness of my summer in Missoula. The week by week since my last post:

Ren and Jesse left for a backpacking trip in Glacier National Park and I hosted a nasty sinus infection while they were gone. Fortunately, I was still well enough to have the pleasure of hosting the incredible Strangled Darlings for a few shows in Missoula.

Sound check.

Jam.

I was prime for adventure when Ren and Jesse got back from Glacier. A last minute invitation to my new friend Simon (and Brian, and Jenna) made for a seriously fun party in Lost Horse Canyon. I love rock climbing.

Ren gets into the crack climbing warmup.

Simon is stoked on the Friday night bouldering jam.

Yours truly getting the goods on Jamboree.

My fine friends on top of the Skyport Chimney. One of the coolest ledges anywhere.

After our Lost Horse extravaganza, I headed back to work, Simon headed to Washington, and Ren and Jesse started the long drive east to North Dakota on the next leg of their adventure. August 10th is an important day, and I had an important place to be.

1100 miles. 0 regrets. Happy birthday my friend.

Dustin and I have a rule to see each other once a year, and he turned 35 last Saturday. I left after work on Friday, got to Portland at 1am, spent all day working on The Commons, and all night playing cello. We worked as late as I dared on Sunday, and I faced the reality our visit was to be painfully short. I made it back to Missoula around 130am on Monday morning and went to work at 7. I wouldn’t have spent my weekend any other way.

The new house rings with the love we put into building it.

Mercifully, I wasn’t on the jobsite so much this week and recovered pretty well. Since breaking up with Sarah in June, I’ve been going to a weekly meeting with the ManKind Project. If you want to change things in your life, you have to actually do something about it. We’ve all got shit to work on in our lives, and MKP provides some structure to put my butt in gear about it. I left Missoula on Friday morning to participate in an MKP weekend seminar in Idaho, but as I was pulling through Challis, ID I got a phone call saying the seminar was cancelled due to wildfires around the location. I was thoroughly disappointed, but headed back to Missoula and quickly made plans to salvage the weekend.

Big and beautiful on the Rocky Mountain Front.

One of the best parts of climbing is the community this arcane little sport tends to promote. This weekend was the first annual Blackleaf Canyon gathering, and by 10pm Friday night, I had a ride over with one of my most important mentors. Simply put, Blackleaf is unreal. I’m not really a great limestone climber, but damn I had fun getting on some big walls with great people.

Tim looks out to the eastern plains.

Did I mention I love rock climbing? My foot has mostly recovered from surgery, but the limestone didn’t treat it well and I still need to be careful with myself. Today is a rest day, and I’m enjoying working back through all the photos.

Is all this driving sustainable? Probably not. Is my life “balanced”? Who knows. Am I making enough money in Missoula to be financially responsible? I don’t want to think about it any more. I am doing enough for the people I care about most? That’s a question worth answering. A few weeks ago my friend Nate moved away from Missoula. Before he left I asked him “Nate, what do you think I should do more of?” He said- “Skander, that’s the wrong question- you need to think about what you want to do less of?” I’ve not done a good job of doing less these last few weeks, but he was absolutely right. I’m not sure I have many answers yet, but I’ve enjoyed a few pieces to help get me pointed in the right direction:

The Medium Chill (by David Roberts, thanks Soren)

George Saunders says love. (thanks Facebook, I think…)

No regrets? (found this a while ago and started thinking about it again)

The newest addition to my blogroll- becoming minimalist. (thanks Karen)

Even when summer is so full and so busy, there are so many important things and people and places in the world. Celebrate them. I think that’s really what this summer is all about- It’s fast and full, and I’ll be grateful when it slows down. That said, there is still a lot of summer left and I’m looking forward to even more fun in the next few weeks.

Rocky Mountain sunset. BOOM.

stickthefeeling

engineering, adventure, and balance