Don’t Quit.

Don’t Quit.

For 2 hours and 15 minutes of brutal exercise this morning, this was my only mantra.  It was the 9/11 memorial workout at CrossFit Fort Vancouver, and our coach was a military special forces trainer.  He had designed the workout to both simulate the various experiences of emergency and military responders, and encourage us to consider the hardship that was created that day.  I didn’t care much for his rhetoric, but it did inspire me to consider some important questions about how I view the state of the world.  It was the second day in a row that I got up and participated in a workout that brought me to my knees.  Yesterday was about facing my own demons, today was remembering 9/11, the work done since, and the challenges we still face.

Allan, at 190lbs, was my "patient"- the guy I carried back and forth across the gym like a sack of potatoes.

When I first heard about the September 11th terrorist attacks, I was sitting in Dr. VonDracek’s high school physics class.  It is not without importance that he was the first person of some authority to comment on the situation.  “This is likely the work of Osama bin Laden…” but he went on to describe the power our generation would wield- the power of peace, of tolerance, and of education.  Little did we know, he offered a stark contrast to the fiery rhetoric we would be inundated with for the next 10 years. My views still echo his, and suddenly I’m frustrated my plans don’t wield that power, yet.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, unmotivated, scared, and frustrated the past few days.  I feel physically destroyed after driving across the country (and the above-mentioned workouts).  I have less money than I expected to have at this point.  I’m doubting whether I have the energy to take on biking across a continent.  I’m sick of dealing with the mess that is my bike situation.  I’m wondering if some of my other goals aren’t starting to impress me more now that I’ve been on the road for 5 months.  There is a weight that I feel- considering how 9/11 has shaped our world, I have a hard time traveling rather than contributing substantial solutions to the socio-economic issues that have brought us to the current state of being.  My generation faces tremendous challenges- equitable distribution of resources, social equality, and environmental degradation just to name a few.  It makes me sick that in some ways, that Mr. Bin Laden succeeded, and to think that I have more useful ideas about how to create a more peaceful and just world.  Am I really walking my talk to go travel when there is important work to do?  I feel privileged to know so many people that ask me to consider these questions.

A solid teammate is an amazing thing to have when facing down your demons, or the world.

Still, from a previous post on this blog- “when you aren’t sure where to go next, further is usually the right answer.”  And don’t quit.

In the West

I’m back in the west.  I can tell by the smell of the air, by the color of the land.  By the vast open spaces.  Late summer is dry and hot, with a crispness to the night air that is telling of impending fall.  I fell in love with the west as a teenager, and my roadtrips here then were usually at this time of year.  I was glad to leave the Nebraska cornfields behind, and giddy to get into Idaho range country.  The pull of home was irresistable after crossing into Oregon and dropping down to the Columbia River valley.  It was a good trip to remember why I have chosen to live here, and will likely continue to live here.

I rolled into Greeley, Colorado on Tuesday night to meet my friend Jen. She and I met through her boyfriend while I was skiing in Jackson, WY this past January and I didn’t realize I would have the opportunity to see her until she responded to my facebook post. We had hoped to spend Wednesday climbing some of the excellent granite in the area around Estes Park, but it rained like the end of the world, and we decided to enjoy some of Fort Collins other offerings.

I'm fortunate to have two great companions for a rainy day- Jen, and an Americano from the Bean Cycle.

Fort Collins might be second only to Portland for outstanding local brew.

I got back behind the wheel on Thursday, and met a load of nuclear waste traveling across Wyoming.  I believe nuclear power is an essential component to making the transition to an all renewable energy economy, but our lack of political will about how to deal with the consequences concerns me.  Currently most waste is stored under water at holding tanks next to existing reactors, a bare bones solution that doesn’t address long term consequences (just another example of not paying for the full cost of our decisions).  This article was written 14 years ago on the subject, and not much has changed…  These guys were apparently headed to the low level waste disposal facility in Clive, UT.  Lots more interesting information on nuclear waste and nuclear power.  I know there have been a lot of links, but this one is 30 seconds and you’ll be glad you did.

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You see all kinds of stuff on the road...

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Just after the Wyoming/Utah border, even the rest stops are in Red Rock country.

I made a quick stop in Ogden to start making good on my goal to learn harmonica, and talked to my mom during an amazing sunset on the Utah/Idaho border Thursday night.

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A perfect western sunset.

I camped at the City of Rocks National Reserve, but still didn’t get any climbing in!  I did get out for a gorgeous morning scramble though, and look forward to coming back another time with appropriate equipment.

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Good to get the lay of the land, this place is off the map.

It was hot in Idaho, really hot, and I started to feel a distinct pull for home.  Originally I had planned to meet the owner of the van for a day of climbing in eastern Oregon, but when I crossed the border back into the home state, I knew where I was headed.  I turned up the techno and rolled into Portland around 8pm last night.  More thoughts on exactly what rolling into Portland felt like coming soon.

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I picked up the van at 203,446 mi... that's 3,398 all told.

Lead an Examined Life

“Running breaks my body, but it sure fixes my soul.” (Garrett Moon)
This post started as a longer, less focused expression of a wide variety of emotions I’ve held closely for the last 2,000 miles of driving. After a long run tonight, I’ve found a more meaningful and concise set of words.

I met an important woman on my flight from Chicago to Dallas on Wednesday morning.
I arrived in West Virginia late Saturday night and sent an important email.
Sunday I drove 450 miles northeast to meet her in Niagara Falls, NY.
We laughed over dinner in a dive bar, split a bottle of wine, and walked along the river.
She had to work on Monday, and I still had 2,700 miles to drive to Portland.
The odds are reasonable that I will not see her again.
It was worth it.

She is intelligent, beautiful, humble, and willing to look at herself and her life carefully in the mirror. She is nothing short of incredible to me, and I’m looking forward to developing our friendship. True to her form, getting to know her meant that she forced me to look at my life in the mirror very carefully. Thank you lady.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to allow a more transparent examination of my life. The directive “lead an examined life” actually comes from my time working for patagonia (the clothing company), it’s value has held in the years since I worked there. When I’m forced to examine my life more closely, I know I’ve done something correctly. I enjoy long distance driving for the mental space it affords me, this trip has been no different.

You should be looking at the ridgeline behind the highway, mountaintop removal- the real deal in West Virginia.

Cleveland.

How far would you go for the right person? How far would you go for the right job? What constitutes being in “the right place” (or “the right person” or “right job”)? On what do we base our priorities?

Central Illinois.

Mississippi River.

When our personal and functional dreams seem to be at odds, how do we know when we we’ve struck the right balance? When do we compromise? When do we refuse compromise?

I’ve been fortunate to have spent the past 6 months following my heart, and learning about myself, but in many ways these bigger questions remain unanswered. I haven’t forced myself to be accountable for answering them. Certainly I have experienced personal growth, but maybe this experience renews the cycle- in some ways I feel like I’m starting from square one. These questions will be waiting for me when I get back from South America, and I will be required to answer them in order to move on with my life. The commitment I have to my values makes it difficult to ignore, or answer these questions falsely.

Renewing the cycle in Nebraska, the very spot I camped four years ago while moving to Oregon.

The northern plains of Colorado.

“Allow. That’s most of what we have to do, is allow it. We might not understand now or ever, but we will feel our lives.” (Andrew Given)

Four Planes, Five Airports, and 2,600 Miles

How far would you go for a friend? I’m racing to post this from Washington-Dulles, the fourth of five airports I will visit today. Thursday night after entertaining my grandmother I picked up a cryptic voicemail from a friend. I called him back, and he asked me for an unusual favor. He knew I was in the eastern part of the US, and had time on my hands. One of my objectives in being unemployed and traveling has always been to take advantage of spontaneous opportunities, and this seemed right up my alley. My friend had been looking for a Sprinter van to take on climbing trips, and found his dreamride in West Virginia, 2,600 miles from Portland by highway. He asked me to fly to West Virginia, pick up the van, and drive it to Portland- all expenses paid, plus a little extra. I’ll see most of the US in the process, and probably see a few more friends along the way. I’ve got the time for this because of another phone call I got on Thursday…

Despite the good vibe that my touring bike has given me, I got also got a call on Thursday from the mechanic looking at my bike prior to leaving for South America. He was replacing the bottom bracket that was wiggling into oblivion when he noticed a sizable crack in the frame. They figured it was a fatal flaw in an already tired bike. I sent it over to the impeccably built TiCycles to get it welded up, only to have them insist that I not leave the country on the bike. Buyer beware- while I support a re-use economy, I should have just bucked up and bought a new Surly Long Haul Trucker instead of going for the bargin on a used bike. I’ve got a lot of decisions to make about how this bike tour is going to unfold, but the plan is the plan, and sometimes you gotta stick to the plan.

The funny part was the difficulty of getting from Montgomery, AL to Charleston, WV. I was scheduled to fly from Montgomery to Portland via Dallas, but the cheapest ticket we could get on short notice was from Dallas, via Austin and Washington D.C., to Charleston. Probably more of a curse than a blessing, my layover in Dallas was scheduled at 40 min, and 37 min in Austin. My flight from Montgomery ended up being late and suddenly the CrossFit WOD was making it across two terminals in Dallas for a flight (on a different airline that I wasn’t checked in for) that left 19 minutes after I crossed the transom.

I made the flight, made it to Austin, grabbed a sandwich at The Salt Lick kiosk, and jumped on my flight to Washington. I’ve got one more leg to go, and now that I’ve finally finished my addiction to “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” I might actually get some of the trip planning done that’s I’ve been putting off so far this week.

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To Grandmothers House…

…we go. I’ve been in Montgomery, Alabama since Wednesday morning to visit my grandmother. That Montgomery is different than Portland might be the understatement of the year:
Hot weather and high humidity.
Bad coffee and no bike lanes (or sidewalks!).
Aging infrastructure and racism.
I may be a fish out of water, but I have loved my time here. It’s been 10 years since I paid a visit. My grandmother has always been willing to travel to see me in Chicago or Austin and I’ve not made time to make the long trip southeast. This was overdue, but perhaps just the right time to appreciate the differences and learn from the culture here. My grandmother recently moved into an “active seniors community” (nurses are available, but most residents are pretty happy rolling on their own) and staying with her has been an insightful look both at southern culture and the challenges that senior citizens face. To say the least I am humbled.
I love my grandmother, at 91 she is still lively and game for a good time. I had no clue this time together would be this much fun, or this valuable. I got off the plane in time to face a gigantic lunch of southern food on Wednesday, followed by a live band performance at her residence, a light supper (bad coffee and water only after the soul food lunch), and evening church.

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(Angioplasty anyone?!)
Most of the people at church I still remembered from many childhood visits here and folks were frankly thrilled to see me.
I didn’t feel like I hit the groove though until Thursday morning. We took a tour of the Alabama justice building (home of the state supreme court), and the Civil Rights Memorial at the Southern Poverty Law Center. Arguably as moving as the Holocaust Memorial, I left with tears in my eyes and a renewed determination that our society will not truly be sustainable until we manage to treat all people with equality on all levels. I cannot more strongly recommend a visit. At the memorial fountain in front of the building I met a woman named Sara currently serving in the Marines. She was similarly overwhelmed, and suddenly my appreciation for her willingness to serve in our military rose above my general contempt for the military decisions made by our government. Before heading home we checked on tour times for the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr preached from 1954-1960. It was a morning of deep respect for many things.

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(Surprisingly stunning architecture at the justice building)

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(There’s a picture somewhere of me, here, 20 years ago)

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(Touching history)

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(The King Memorial Dexter Avenue Baptist Church)
Thursday afternoon saw us running errands and playing dominos with some of the local residents. Funny how the rules change when most of the players have limited short term memory- hilarity ensued. Thursday we headed out to the Hyundai motor plant south of town a ways. I’ve toured a variety of manufacturing plants, but never a complete car assembly center. The scale was enormous, the technology was cutting edge, and the people were exceptionally friendly. Truly an amazing tour if you ever get a chance.
Today we headed back to the Dexter Avenue Church for a full tour, and again I was deeply mover by the depth and significance of the civil rights movement that started right here. Though I’m not attracted to formalized religion at the moment, the Spirit here is unmistakably powerful- kinda wish I could attend a Sunday service here.

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(In front of Dr. King’s pulpit)
This afternoon I was the star attraction as I gave a scheduled talk for the residents of the retirement community showcasing my recent trip up Denali. Only a few people fell asleep! For the most part everyone was thrilled to see the photos and I had a blast giving the talk. I suspect volunteering to give my slideshow at other retirement communities could fill a charitable niche that my life has been missing lately. We polished off the evening with two rubbers of bridge and helped my grandmother make some new bridge partners. The rules in Dominos might have gotten a little sloppy but there was no nonsense in the bridge playing. I dished it out as well as I took it and had a blast.

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(Average of 60 years of bridge playing each, time to bring the A game)
Safe to say it won’t take me another 10 years to get back here.

Fire.

I’m a bit behind and am posting this from Montgomery, Alabama. More on that soon.
Monday night I met up at a bar on the north side of Chicago with two friends that reinforce some very important ideas.

In some ways, my social circle is growing smaller- having less time to spend with people has forced me to consider who it is that is most imperative that I spend that time with, and I’ve started to notice a trend in why I chose to spend my time with the people I do.

I spend my time with the people that hold themselves to some account of how they spend their time. They hold me to account for how I spend mine. They are passionate, dedicated, enthusiastic, positive, and engaged. They know what they are doing, and aren’t afraid to chase it all the way. They have a fire in their belly that is familiar to me, and that I esteem above most other traits.

Matt is going to fix healthcare in the United States. From the clarity with which he explains himself and the depth of his experience, I believe him.

Hattie is going to fix our kids relationship with God, whatever they may conceive him to be. From the smile on her face, and the passion in her eyes, I believe her.

And then Matt put the question to me, what are you really going to do with your life Skander? His goal is big and audacious, and he won’t achieve it alone, but I believe it’s possible. I’ve been trying to figure that out all summer- after our conversation, I’m finally able to describe it:

I am going to change the way humanity interacts with natural resources.

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have friends that continue to force me to sharpen the edge of my razor, and that these friendships continue to grow through shared motivations, despite the geographic distance between us. It’s important times here in Chicago.

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Chicago, Illinois

Tonight I’m in the Seattle airport waiting for a flight to Chicago.  There’s a familiar feeling sitting with me because really, this whole idea started on my last flight to Chicago.  November 15, 2010 I was flying to Chicago for work, representing Glumac at the GreenBuild Conference.  My relationship at the time was in shambles, I felt run ragged by my work, and the feeling that there was something more to life than my desk was churning my stomach.  It was raining that morning in Portland, watching the drops rush sideways across the airplane window as we accelerated down the runway only amplified the feeling that suddenly my life was going to kick into overdrive.

The trip last November was emotional- I felt devilishly good about my performance at the business conference, conflicted about my business passions, and my life outside, torn by the termination of a relationship, bolstered by the support of my family, and positively inspired by the thought that I could, just possibly, break the cycle of working my tail off for two weeks of vacation a year.

The past 6 months, and the adventures posted on this blog have been a vindication that my dreams were not folly.  That the fears I felt then were indeed false events (already realized), and that sometimes the only thing separating us from living our dreams is the self-confidence to believe that we actually can.

Lately I’ve been feeling the weight of a shrinking bank account and uncertainty about how I might next support myself.  That said, a few thoughts bolster me into the next great adventure:

  • I can’t help but look back with some satisfaction at how I’ve spent my time.
  • I can’t help but look forward to the adventures yet to come.
  • I can feel my fire for the next professional opportunity growing.  Seeing more of the world inspires me to care for it more strongly.

This morning I got to enjoy a delicious breakfast with one of my favorite people and biggest supporters of my wanderlust.  I met David while at Northwestern, but we’ve lived in different places for most of our friendship.  Conveniently, he is interning in Portland for this summer, while I am conveniently not ever in Portland. Somehow it just fits I would get a chance to see him and ride bikes together before heading back home.  David has taught me a number of important lessons about how to roll with the punches and keep having fun, and really- I think that’s probably most of what we need to get through this thing.

Good coffee and a rare friend makes for a fine Sunday morning.

Done. Exhale. Go.

It’s become my mantra for my time in Portland.  My to-do list surges and recedes, and my social calendar makes the BNSF yard across the street seem quiet.  Great problems to have, no doubt, but I don’t think I ever expected unemployment to be so damn busy.

There’s a selfishness that pervades my activity.  I’ve long since made peace with the idea that my travels are a way of investing in my experience (so that I will have more to give to the world later).  That said, the intermittency of my time in Portland has seen me neglect friends and miss out on cool opportunities.  The past few days, the reality of this has been heavy on my mind, but I didn’t set out on this path to lament about opportunities missed in Portland.

It’s a good sign, my actions are a validation of my decisions.  I didn’t quit my job to be a bum, I quit my job to chase dreams that I couldn’t while dedicating myself to a desk for 50 hours a week.  The fact that I am so busy means I’m not wasting my time watching TV or playing video games.  I like being on the road, and the majority of my activity is focused on allowing me to continue to being on the road.  In some ways I’ve had more time in Portland than I expected, and in some ways less.  The time here is valuable for planning and preparing.  While the point of being unemployed has been to allow myself to be spontaneous, even the spontaneous decisions require work and effort to enable.  There is nothing I’d rather be doing.

Smith by Bike

I’ve written a bunch about trips to Smith Rock State Park, so I’ll spare you the details of the climbing and butt-shots of me halfway up the way.  This trip to Smith was more about an idea.  The idea that crops up when I talk to my brother about climbing, or fill another tank of gas on the way to some distant crag.  The idea that my climbing absorbs more than my fair share of resources.  That climbing trips are more complicated than they should be.  That we all own and bring too much stuff.

Note the rope peaking out from under tarp on the trailer.

My friend Sylvia was in town to celebrate two different weddings, which I was also involved in.  We had a week in between, and wanted a “carfree” adventure.  Smith has strong meanings for both of us, and Sylvia has a history of tough bike tours under her belt- it was only obvious to load up our gear and ditch our cars, to see if we could climb at Smith without burning any gas.  We had 6 days, just enough to make it to Smith, climb, and get back, or so we thought.  We pared down our gear, donned our bike shorts, and wasted a bunch of time while I tried to get my pedals, panniers, and presta valves in order.  We finally pulled out of Portland around 3pm on Sunday afternoon.

It all fits... barely.

I started out with the draws, food, and stove, while Sylvia had the rope (each of us carried our own bivi sac, clothes, shoes, and harness).  We made it into Mt. Hood national forest, and camped along a logging road just off Hwy 26.  Not quite as much mileage as we would have liked, the narrow road and fading light convinced us camping was prudent rather than pushing on.  Plus, we’d have fresh legs for the climb Monday morning (and an awfully long way yet to go).

We felt good waking up, and got rolling around 9am, climbing steadily for the first 45 minutes.

On top of our first big pass in Government Camp, OR.

There are 3 passes to get around Mt. Hood, then about 30 miles of downhill, and temperatures stayed cool while we worked through most of the climbing.

She just keeps on truckin'.

Unfortunately, getting the climbing done while it was cool put us in the sun, and in the desert around 2pm.  Careful that we still had many miles to Smith, we knew proper nutrition was imperative:

After 5 hours of riding, the BLT goes down hard.

Temperatures peaked just as we dropped into the Deschutes crossing and started a 2,000′ climb out of the river bottom.  We got the climb done, but it took the best out of both of us, and the additional mileage left to Smith was a battle.  After climbing out of the Deschutes, an old quadracept injury started to flare up for me, and Sylvia had some knee issues of her own.  Things had started to go sideways…

Lovin' the downhill, not far from Terrebonne.

Our first sight of Smith, just on the horizon.

We made it to Terrebonne around 7pm, stocked up at the local Thriftway, and destroyed a rotisserie chicken.  95 miles at 95 degrees out Making camp under the stars at Smith has never been so satisfying.

True to our objective, we did get up and climb routes on Tuesday morning, but both of us were feeling the effort of our ride.  I was totally out of shape for sport climbing, and the brutal heat saw us down at the river for a mid-day siesta.  My knee was still hurting, and both of us were feeling the weight of commitments left unattended in Portland. Sylvia had been debating getting an early ride back to make the most of her time in Portland (she usually lives in Wyoming), and I realized I would be asking for trouble to ride home alone in time for the wedding rehearsal on Friday.

Sometimes you eat the dog, and sometimes the dog eats you.  We called for a rescue- a huge shout out to our friend Alex for making the drive down to get us.  I’d be tempted to call it a failure, but I learned way to much to bury the experience on a negative tone.  A few important lessons:

  • Don’t forget to take your climbing shorts, key to the bike lock, and phone charger.
  • Fix slow leaks the right way, the first time.
  • Pick safe and quiet roads, even if they mean more distance.
  • Overestimate the time it takes to cover a distance.  2 very fully days would have been appropriate, 3 days would have been comfortable.  1.5 days was not nearly as fun.

Many thanks to Sylvia for being a staunch and experienced partner, I look forward to future bike adventures together, and remembering these lessons on my future adventures.

Walk the Line

Lately I’ve been asked for advice a lot. I’ve had an opportunity to support friends, face my own insecurities, and strive for an outcome greater than expected.  Often this has had to do with my relationships to other people.  We’ve all had those moments, looking back thinking “god I hope I never make that mistake again.”  And usually, mistakes are repeated before the lesson is learned.  We are human, and it takes us a few times around the block to figure out how the pedals work- often longer.  A few of the lessons that have stood out to me lately:

  • Figure out what you really want.  Often said, rarely done.
  • What you really want doesn’t have anything to do with who you think the other person is, or what they want.  It’s about you.
  • Be yourself, stay close to yourself, be as true to what you want for yourself, and want for the world as you can possibly be.
  • When you figure out what you want, be discerning about going to get it.  Pursue it ruthlessly- if what you are doing right now isn’t getting you there, stop doing it, and try something else.
  • It is incredibly difficult to be discerning enough in our relationships.  The act of discerning can seem incredibly difficult, but only because it is obvious- the unseen pitfalls that are certain to come with a lack of discerning are much, much deeper.
  • It only hurts when we clutch it too tightly.

I publish these thoughts here mostly to remind myself of them later.  Walk the line of discernment, and keep company that will walk that line with you.

Jacob wrapping up a long session of squats, and inspiring me to keep pursuing the quality I'm looking for.

“Real friends are willing to make sure that next week’s you is better than this week’s you.” (Mark Twight)