Category Archives: Philosophy

Skander-ness

adventure

I woke up on June 29th knowing exactly where I needed to go for the 4th of July holidays. A few phone calls and a few days later, I was headed into the Cowen Cirque south of Livingston, Montana. In my last blog post I lamented not having the adventures I really want. Time to stop lamenting. We left Bozeman at 530am on the fourth, carried our climbing gear up the 9 mile, 3,600′ vertical trail, and drank in views of an incredible climbing line. Knowing my foot, and afternoon thundershowers were still a huge liability, we took the rest of the day to rest and watch the weather. It rained at 430pm, blew over at 630pm, and our friend Marko showed up to boost the spirit at 7pm.

At the base of the very wet route.

Josh and I woke up at 400am on the 5th, and moved quickly- breakfast, bathroom, gear, approach the route. 545am- rain. Shit. And it kept raining. We found the base of the route, but it was pouring, so we bailed and hiked up into the Cirque. While we were both sad not to climb the technical route, I think it’s impossible not to be stoked on simply being in the Cowen Cirque.

The Yellowstone Range, from the Cowen Cirque.

We had left a few creature comforts in hopes of “going light” and with more rain on the horizon, it seemed unlikely the route would be dry even by the 6th. So we hiked out and made promises of our return.

More hiking. Sad faces but great company.

This is for my mom- it’s wildflower season…

After the hike up to the Cirque, and 20 miles on the trail, my foot was cooked. Maybe the weather was a sign I wasn’t ready to be on big rock routes, but it doesn’t matter. The focus of my weekend changed on the way down, perhaps towards something even more important.

So wet. Everywhere.

Back in Bozeman Josh left for the Tetons, and I was still itching for a climbing fix. Marko and I headed out to Gallatin Canyon for a few pitches, and a little more validation that my foot is indeed still recovering. The rain chased us back to Bozeman, and left me scratching my head for the “next thing”. Saturday dawned with splitter weather, but I could barely walk. I was searching, and wasn’t going to stop. “Get your bivy gear Marko, let’s go.” My original vision from the previous Saturday wouldn’t fade- we got in the car and let my lead foot take over. I wanted alpine, any way I could get it.

Traffic jam, Yellowstone style.

East then south, then east, then north. Paradise Valley, Yellowstone National Park, the Beartooth Highway, and East Rosebud came and left the windshield. Saturday night the road ended in Alpine, Montana, and we walked from there. 10 years ago I came to Alpine after my first ever alpine climb on Granite peak. This place is even more inspiring now. We walked up the trail until I couldn’t any more, and camped on a boulder, under a boulder, with the rain washing around us.

Marko. Always game.

The morning dawned clear and we woke early. Marko had to work, and I was ready to let some domestic chores pull me away from the deep reflection and introspection the wilderness can bring. Thanks Josh for your indomitable stoke, and Marko for your willingness to simple be there with me.

lessons

So what was I chasing? Skander-ness. Like the eagles, and the mountains, I wanted to see what Skander would do, when he couldn’t be the running, climbing mountain athlete that he aspires to be. For a long time now, I’ve been living with the determination that who we are is determined by what we do- but really, this is backwards. What we do is a reflection of who we are. In many ways, I am so focused and driven by what I “should” be doing, rather than simply doing what feels most authentic to me. The notion that I am like a mountain, defining “what is Skander” simply by being, rather than pushing myself to be any particularly thing has been comforting. This post and my trip last weekend are fun reflections of that.

My last few posts have been an accurate reflection of the sadness in my heart. Compassion, breath, and gentleness have been on my mind. These are the things I need most, and are the things that I am the least good at. For a long time I’ve held to the notion that “we can be whoever we dream we are.” I’m realizing that some of the best support I’ve gotten recently has been from friends who share that vision of who I can be, even when it includes the things that I am not so good at. I’ve written a lot about my core values, but sometimes they can feel like a burden I have to uphold rather than an affirmation of who I simply truly am.

This weeks realization: “support” is more than encouraging words or physical acts- it is the belief that someone can accomplish their dreams, even if they are very difficult or don’t come naturally. My friends know my ability for compassion, joy, and gentleness- they are holding that in trust for me. I’m grateful to tap into it.

Enough.

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Change

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I was supposed to head down to Utah again last night, but after a difficult telephone conversation it became clear that the motivation for going had changed, and I was not to go again. Sometimes people are different, and realizing that can be a sudden and unpleasant surprise. The morning after change is often when it is the hardest to swallow.

This post may be premature, but in my commitment to leading an examined life in this space, it would incongruous not to discuss the difficult bits. Some lessons:

Choose your words carefully- they can pack far more meaning than intended.
Never skip an opportunity to express gratitude.
Question your criticisms- they are less useful, less witty, and less wise than they may originally appear.
The power of compassion, and silliness, should not be underestimated.

Per the second item, I am grateful that the pain illuminates some dark, unnoticed corners of my personality. I am profoundly grateful to have been exposed to her joy, her wisdom, her compassion, and her energy, even for a short time. This time around, it is clear that this outcome was a product of my own word and actions, and I’m hurting for it. I have a lot of work to do on my manhood, and I look forward to it being a theme for the summer.

Easy Thankfulness.

Thank you, desert lady.

My Favorite Things

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I remember when I was very young, my mom taught me to sing “My Favorite Things.” You might allow a single mom raising two kids and running a business would be tempted to complain sometimes, but I remember this song more than any complaints. In high school, I found the legendary John Coltrane cover of the same tune, and I think back to jamming out teenage angst on that 3/4 groove.

I’ve been feeling pretty out of my groove lately- my foot has me shut down, moving house has required heroic effort, and professional fulfillment seems frustratingly illusive. Coming home from the grocery store tonight though, I started to notice a few of my favorite things:

The way the sun dapples through the new crabapple tree outside the living room.

Sharing with people.

The way the sun and breeze dry my clothes in the Montana spring.

The visuals are easy, but stepping back there are plenty of others.
– I have people in my life that remember how wonderful I am, even when I don’t remember myself.
-That whether I see it or not, the sun rises every damn morning.
-and even when I’m not my best, other people are, and that inspires me.

What are your favorite things? Post to comments.

I’ve been in Seattle the last few days to attend the Passive House Northwest Conference. The German Passive House energy efficiency standard is alive and well here in the Pacific Northwest, perhaps moreso than almost anywhere else in the country. Beyond lectures on earthquake stabilized R-35 foundation details and vapor open assembly design, I’ve been here to represent Zola Windows– high performance European built windows. Energetechs represents Zola because there are no windows made in the United States that absorb more radiant energy than they release in conductive heat loss (standby for an explanation) in the Missoula climate. Only the Europeans make these things, and surprisingly, it makes sense to bring them here.

That, is a great place to put a Zola Window.

Zola is a young company run by a brilliant Swiss Architect out of Colorado who started the company at age 26. Like many of the other awesome people I’ve met through the Passive House movement, his core motivation was to maximize the sustainability of buildings and knew that high performance windows are a key part of the equation. He saw the niche, and had the guts to fill it.

I admire him for the fact that he runs a very successful company that he built, from the ground up, and still finishes his day in time to pick up his young child from day care. He figured out that selling hours as an architect limited his impact, when he could have both more personal time, and more impact by selling what he knew was really part of the problem. I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking- “I’m in the wrong game.” I am unimpressed with what I have accomplished in my life, and that frustrates me. This post had previously slammed my friend because I was, on a deep level, jealous of his success- and in a way, knowing him makes me question some of the hard choices I’ve made.

There are many parts to be played in fixing our buildings. Zola fills an essential need. Skilled and talented contractors are clutch. An engaged populace is the foundation. Manufacturer, builder, consumer- what part are you going to play to maximize your impact on the problem at hand?

The first Zola uPVC windows installed in the US, as of Thursday…

Feedback

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First thing today at work, I got some feedback that I had dropped the ball on a few things, and we probably lost some money, and some respect, because of it.

After work, and my weekend facilitating NLC sessions, our board for the group met and reviewed some of the feedback we had received- as I had invited most of the speakers, and facilitated most of the sessions- I felt pretty invested in it, and some of the negative feedback we got hit me hard.

After that meeting, I got some feedback from a friend that I had really let her down in a big way. I care about my friends a lot, so I took this more seriously than all of them.

Feedback is the most important thing in the world because it’s when we find out if what we thought (or guessed) and did actually resulted in the outcome we had hope for. In short- it’s how we actually learn.

Professionally it’s pretty easy- if we reduce utility bills, make people happier, and put a little money in the bank, we win, but it usually doesn’t keep me up at night. In my personal life it tends to hit harder, maybe because the lessons feel closer to home, and maybe because it takes a long time to really change who we are. I’ve still got plenty of work to do. Everyday, most of us strive to do our best- and every day, we guess, and we get things wrong.

I have to remind myself that my best is good enough for today. If you get it mostly right, most of the time- you’re probably doing well. Half the battle is letting go when you’re in the wrong, the other half is hanging on to the lesson.

Learning to Sell

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I spent yesterday manipulating an overly aggressive chainsaw against a sisyphean task. Doing this left me with a lot of spare mental capacity. Thoughts drifted from the jobsite to Alaska, my damaged left foot, the woman I’m crazy about, and finally to engineering sales. Yes, engineering sales.

I’ve always poo pooed sales, particularly engineering sales- but it’s fast becoming what I am most excited to do. My boss agrees with me that this is what we need most at work, and is probably the fastest way to shift my employment away from operating agro chainsaws.

If we vote with our dollar, sales is how you campaign. After 9/11, the nation looked to the White House for leadership and George W. Bush could have said anything. In a gross statement of American consumerism- he told us to go to the mall and shop. “Bolster the economy.” The socio-economic/political consequences aside, the moment highlighted the point that one of the most consequential actions we take is how we spend our money. If I really want to change the world, I’m not going to do it by inventing some new design- I’m going to do it by educating people about the value of design and technology available to us right now.

Sustainble building design is interesting- I really believe that “the trick” to sustainable buildings is to find satisfaction and elegance in practical, elegant, designs that maximize use of basic materials and simple technology. Part of the challenge is that these most important elements aren’t particularly new and it’s hard to evoke intense emotion . The things we need most already exist.

If I learn the design of something, I can only effect that thing. If I learn to sell- I can affect everything I touch, and I can change the way people act on their beliefs. Sometimes “the goal is to keep the goal the goal”*- and sometimes the goal is to figure out what the real goal is. I don’t know if this is the birth of my career as a salesman, or maybe just a new awareness in my business interactions, but moving forward the topic of sales is going to be big on the horizon.

*quote by Dan John.

HNL

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Like the title, my time on Oahu was abbreviated. That said, it didn’t lack substance. Given that December 30st started with this:

“Going to Hawaii, right…”

… it took most of the 6 hour flight from Seattle to convince myself I was going to sleep on a beach in Hawaii without a sleeping bag for the night.

I felt pretty good getting off the plane, and somehow managed to talk the rental car guy into a substantial upgrade from my originally reserved Ford Focus.

Rollin’, like I do…

My first stop might have been my most important. I’ve wanted to visit the Pearl Harbor Valor in the Pacific war memorial for quite some time, and it was the only thing I had really planned to do on Oahu. I visit war memorials a lot. I think honoring the dead is important. The Pearl Harbor memorial is well done, and powerful- and I particularly appreciated the fact that it clearly laid out the primarily economic drivers that coerced the Japanese into attacking Pearl Harbor (and entering WWII) in the first place- they are not dissimilar from our own current circumstances. I couldn’t hold back the tears while I was there. Our culture has a problem, more specifically- an addiction, to violence that I find entirely unacceptable. Maybe, with time and luck, humanity will figure out how to meet it’s needs without killing one another.

Tribute to the 4,560 men KIA, just in the Pacific Submarine Service alone.

Collecting myself, I took an obligatory pass to gawk and the absurdity of Waikiki beach, but followed some beta from the guy I sat next to on the plane and headed to Oahu’s east shore for a more down to earth scene.

Despite a thorough investigation via Yelp, Sunday night is a bad time to try to experience Hawaiian cuisine on the cheap. That said, fish tacos, an acoustic bass guitar, and a gorgeous beach all to myself were a perfect way to spend the night. With the time change, I was up plenty early on Monday morning, and around sunrise, I headed for the tallest point I could see. Makapuu Point was the perfect spot for a healthy little run and some great photos.

East side- love.

The last sunrise of 2012.

After a dip in the ocean, and a few wrong turns, I headed up the Pali Hwy and back to the airport. I can’t say much for Honolulu as a city- cluttered, dirty, and mostly ugly, but the rest of the place is pretty okay- and I’m certainly glad I poked around a bit before heading south.

Kaneohe, from the Pali Highway. Worth the drive.

stickthefeeling

engineering, adventure, and balance

Category Archives: Philosophy

Skander-ness

adventure

lessons

Enough.

Protected: Processing

Protected: Here First

Change

My Favorite Things

Feedback

Learning to Sell

HNL